We All Came From Somewhere....

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The past is haunting, I would like to believe it haunts us all. To blame our past is a copout, but to deny the aftermath of our pasts is ignorant. To let it define us is a shame. For some, something that seems miniscule compared to our own atrocities can have devastating affects on them for life, more so than what someone who may have had an even more horrifying past, yet they had different outcomes. Nobody's past should be compared or one upped. We are all freaks of nature, walking together in this thing called life. Like a snowflake or a fingerprint, no one person is the same. I myself suffer from a moderate-severe form of anxiety. I truly believe it's from a combination of things, My past, unfinished business, & being in Iraq in a very hostile environment with horrifying situations. I also believe my diagnosis has a genetic factor as well as an astrological factor (gemini-Yeah seriously)! I truly believe anxiety is one of the most misunderstood mental illnesses out there. Its normal to experience a certain amount of healthy anxiety. It's another when your mind creates thoughts, visualizations or images of every horrible occurrence that could happen in any given moment, at any given time. As for me, my brain never stops. It never just shuts the hell up! It is an illness that affects every aspect of my life. My marriage, my friendships, my family, my inability to leave my child with a babysitter , etc. Although I am very aware at the fact that I cannot prevent hurt, pain or the inventible. It could be looked at as a control issue, but I'm very cognitive of the fact I cannot control life, no matter how hard I try. I have found meditation, positive thinking, & honesty to be the key essentials to easing my pain when it comes to everyday normalcy's. I understand it takes a strong, confident, honest, real persons to be in my life. Weather it be my husband, friend or family member. I have taken honesty to another level, but it helps me live a fulfilling life. Selfish? Possibly! But I'd rather speak my mind, and my feelings, then to be oppressed by the overwhelming feelings and emotions I feel inside. I refuse to be held prisoner. I believe it has a lot to do with the old way of thinking, when we didn't talk about feelings. Children should be seen not heard. Everything gets brushed under the rug, it's just bad manners to do otherwise. Without our pasts, who would we be today. How would we overcome? Its part of the reason I do not believe in religion, God-maybe, religion, not so much. I've learned in my short 29 years that the only savior I have in life is myself. I consciously made the decision to change the paths I was going down. I made the choice to fix myself. I was the one who broke the chains from my past. I was the one free of being victimized for an entire lifetime. I have forgiven. I've walked down dark roads. Its part of the reason I have empathy for people like me, but whom have made different choices. That is why I go back to the gemini thing. Sometimes I feel like two people. The person who I strive to be versus the person I can revert back too. We all have demons, we all either overcome them, or we get consumed by them. I prefer overcoming.  Meditation, positive thoughts, music, honesty, my son, and those that watch me from above(RIP Darrell, I love you more than you or anyone could possibly ever know), and those that support me for being me, keep me striving for a better tomorrow. For not only myself, but for those I love! I hope those that struggle like me, succeed in doing the same. OneLove <3

One of those Disenchanted Moments as a Mother

I would like to think that when a woman becomes a mother, that they feel the overwhelming, truly unexplainable love for that child that one could never prepare for or even fathom was possible. Well it happened to me the moment my son was born. That first night, I sang Over the Rainbow (Israel kamakawiwo'ole version) and I was so overwhelmed by this love that I was crying, smiling and one hot mess all at once. He is my entire world and I want to do everything right. We have this idea that everything has to be perfect or harmonious all the time and when it isn't there is this guilt that follows. A deep grief of fear that you aren't doing it right or you're not doing enough. You often lose sight of who you are because you get caught up in being mommy all the time, and then feel guilty for feeling that way! It's very exhausting, this trying to be perfect all the time. I have no idea how my son will remember me when I'm gone. I sure do hope that he remembers all of if not the majority of the wonderful moments, hours, seconds, days that are perfect! But there are always those dreaded moments as a mother that for a moment you aren't perfect. You get angry. You yell. You get so frustrated that you turn into this ugly unrecognizable entity that can be truly scary even in your own eyes, one can only imagine what this unknowing child sees.  These are the moments that nobody talks about. The run in the closest and cry or scream moment because you have hit the breaking point. You want to think your angel is just that, an innocent angel, but boy do they know how to push those buttons and go the extremes to show their hand of what they want and not what YOU want! I had one of those moments tonight. This to be expected when Daddy has been gone for the past few days. The sense of change truly shows thru my child's reactions to the change in usual routines. Military is hard, but it is what it is, But the disappointment that follows after that moment is so heartbreaking. Never could I hurt my child, lets get that clear! But for him to see me at my worst, in a moment when I loose control and yell, and walk away, an ugliness that makes you question the very version of yourself. I know I'm not perfect, it's a ridiculous idea to even think one can even be close to being perfect. It's a world crashing down around you moment, knowing we all fall down  and we have to get back up again, to make it right again. All the while thinking, did that moment just scar him for life? This all may seem ridiculous to some but it is all to real to me. My own internal battle of being a good mother and what that means to me. I just hope that at the end of the day it is enough. That he knows that I love him so much it truly hurts! Being a mother is the hardest thing in the world! One doesn't realize this until it happens. Good lord it makes me love my mother a little bit more. "This site uses cookies from Google to deliver its services and analyze traffic. Your IP address and user-agent are shared with Google along with performance and security metrics to ensure quality of service, generate usage statistics, and to detect and address abuse."

This Blog

So apparently to read blogs is so last year. Unless of course you have some sort of niche or gimmick. I've read countless blogs on The Real Housewives franchise by Bravotv and I think to myself, bashing while glamorizing reality TV, is that the the only thing people want to read about today? Sure I like my smutty, nitty-gritty, maybe even scripted, reality TV hot messes, but to devote an entire blog on such nonsense seems unadventurous as well as unreal! I'm about realness. My real life and the life around me. Sure I might watch this TV crack-cocaine and comment on these ridiculous, sometimes fabulous people but I also want to voice my opinion on the state of our country and the hypocrisy of religions, etc. Yes- I went there and will continue too! You will find me opinionated, controversial, right, wrong,self destructive, fabulous, borderline narcissist, creative, wonderful or just plain crazy! But isn't that you?! Are we all not walking and talking hypocrisies, abnormally normal real people trying to figure out this thing called life? I am a mother so I will talk about my experience as one, the love of my child,  the mother guilt and self identity crisis that comes with it. I am a wife, and with that comes the ups and downs that I may or may not share with you. I am a daughter, and we all know that no matter how great or how awful our childhood was, we will all suffer from some sort of dysfunction that could only stem from a "mother's love" or "father's lack thereof".  I am a sister, not only to four half-siblings but in my eyes the half part of that statement is ridiculous because to me they are my wholes! I also believe to the depths of my soul that the friends we choose for ourselves are the family we create for ourselves, so I have many people I hold near and dear to my heart that no bloodline is necessary for them to be considered my family!  Lastly I am a veteran. I hail from a long line of a military family, ranging from all branches. I myself am an Army medic Vet that served for almost 6 years and  deployed in OIF II. I went in believing in my country and I left questioning it. I'm not a Republican nor am I a Democrat. I am a Realist. Someone who believes in the greater good for us all. My life changed in just 1 year of Bush's war on terror? (oil)!?(big corporations?) These are the things that matter the most to me. My life, Through my eyes, My experiences, My Reality. "This site uses cookies from Google to deliver its services and analyze traffic. Your IP address and user-agent are shared with Google along with performance and security metrics to ensure quality of service, generate usage statistics, and to detect and address abuse."