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The past is haunting, I would like to believe it haunts us all. To blame our past is a copout, but to deny the aftermath of our pasts is ignorant. To let it define us is a shame. For some, something that seems miniscule compared to our own atrocities can have devastating affects on them for life, more so than what someone who may have had an even more horrifying past, yet they had different outcomes. Nobody's past should be compared or one upped. We are all freaks of nature, walking together in this thing called life. Like a snowflake or a fingerprint, no one person is the same. I myself suffer from a moderate-severe form of anxiety. I truly believe it's from a combination of things, My past, unfinished business, & being in Iraq in a very hostile environment with horrifying situations. I also believe my diagnosis has a genetic factor as well as an astrological factor (gemini-Yeah seriously)! I truly believe anxiety is one of the most misunderstood mental illnesses out there. Its normal to experience a certain amount of healthy anxiety. It's another when your mind creates thoughts, visualizations or images of every horrible occurrence that could happen in any given moment, at any given time. As for me, my brain never stops. It never just shuts the hell up! It is an illness that affects every aspect of my life. My marriage, my friendships, my family, my inability to leave my child with a babysitter , etc. Although I am very aware at the fact that I cannot prevent hurt, pain or the inventible. It could be looked at as a control issue, but I'm very cognitive of the fact I cannot control life, no matter how hard I try. I have found meditation, positive thinking, & honesty to be the key essentials to easing my pain when it comes to everyday normalcy's. I understand it takes a strong, confident, honest, real persons to be in my life. Weather it be my husband, friend or family member. I have taken honesty to another level, but it helps me live a fulfilling life. Selfish? Possibly! But I'd rather speak my mind, and my feelings, then to be oppressed by the overwhelming feelings and emotions I feel inside. I refuse to be held prisoner. I believe it has a lot to do with the old way of thinking, when we didn't talk about feelings. Children should be seen not heard. Everything gets brushed under the rug, it's just bad manners to do otherwise. Without our pasts, who would we be today. How would we overcome? Its part of the reason I do not believe in religion, God-maybe, religion, not so much. I've learned in my short 29 years that the only savior I have in life is myself. I consciously made the decision to change the paths I was going down. I made the choice to fix myself. I was the one who broke the chains from my past. I was the one free of being victimized for an entire lifetime. I have forgiven. I've walked down dark roads. Its part of the reason I have empathy for people like me, but whom have made different choices. That is why I go back to the gemini thing. Sometimes I feel like two people. The person who I strive to be versus the person I can revert back too. We all have demons, we all either overcome them, or we get consumed by them. I prefer overcoming. Meditation, positive thoughts, music, honesty, my son, and those that watch me from above(RIP Darrell, I love you more than you or anyone could possibly ever know), and those that support me for being me, keep me striving for a better tomorrow. For not only myself, but for those I love! I hope those that struggle like me, succeed in doing the same. OneLove <3
