One of those Disenchanted Moments as a Mother

I would like to think that when a woman becomes a mother, that they feel the overwhelming, truly unexplainable love for that child that one could never prepare for or even fathom was possible. Well it happened to me the moment my son was born. That first night, I sang Over the Rainbow (Israel kamakawiwo'ole version) and I was so overwhelmed by this love that I was crying, smiling and one hot mess all at once. He is my entire world and I want to do everything right. We have this idea that everything has to be perfect or harmonious all the time and when it isn't there is this guilt that follows. A deep grief of fear that you aren't doing it right or you're not doing enough. You often lose sight of who you are because you get caught up in being mommy all the time, and then feel guilty for feeling that way! It's very exhausting, this trying to be perfect all the time. I have no idea how my son will remember me when I'm gone. I sure do hope that he remembers all of if not the majority of the wonderful moments, hours, seconds, days that are perfect! But there are always those dreaded moments as a mother that for a moment you aren't perfect. You get angry. You yell. You get so frustrated that you turn into this ugly unrecognizable entity that can be truly scary even in your own eyes, one can only imagine what this unknowing child sees.  These are the moments that nobody talks about. The run in the closest and cry or scream moment because you have hit the breaking point. You want to think your angel is just that, an innocent angel, but boy do they know how to push those buttons and go the extremes to show their hand of what they want and not what YOU want! I had one of those moments tonight. This to be expected when Daddy has been gone for the past few days. The sense of change truly shows thru my child's reactions to the change in usual routines. Military is hard, but it is what it is, But the disappointment that follows after that moment is so heartbreaking. Never could I hurt my child, lets get that clear! But for him to see me at my worst, in a moment when I loose control and yell, and walk away, an ugliness that makes you question the very version of yourself. I know I'm not perfect, it's a ridiculous idea to even think one can even be close to being perfect. It's a world crashing down around you moment, knowing we all fall down  and we have to get back up again, to make it right again. All the while thinking, did that moment just scar him for life? This all may seem ridiculous to some but it is all to real to me. My own internal battle of being a good mother and what that means to me. I just hope that at the end of the day it is enough. That he knows that I love him so much it truly hurts! Being a mother is the hardest thing in the world! One doesn't realize this until it happens. Good lord it makes me love my mother a little bit more. "This site uses cookies from Google to deliver its services and analyze traffic. Your IP address and user-agent are shared with Google along with performance and security metrics to ensure quality of service, generate usage statistics, and to detect and address abuse."